I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
