So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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