I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
