Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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