I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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