My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
