I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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