so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
