Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
