Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
