There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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