3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
