I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
