i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
