Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I will die if light touches me.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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