god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
