Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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