About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
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