If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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