After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
