I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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