I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.