i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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