Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
