And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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