i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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