Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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