She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
