If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
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Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
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Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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