If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
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Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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