I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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