Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
