Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
