Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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