i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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