New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
