I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
