Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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