Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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