Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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