I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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