i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize