Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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