i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
