I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
