you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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