Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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