did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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