I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
