can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
