She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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