ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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