you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
