if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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