so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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