This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
